Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
