don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
