i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
