He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
