I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
