He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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