we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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