I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
