dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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