Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
