Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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