It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
