saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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