Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
