How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
