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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf

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• (850): View more from Florida

  So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.

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• (949): View more from California

  The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?

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• (207): View more from Maine

  reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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• (937): View more from Ohio

  I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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• (765): View more from Indiana

  If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

  (1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Totally acceptable.

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• (+45): View more from Denmark

  I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.

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• (865): View more from Tennessee

  My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs

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