Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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