there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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