Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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