Im at strip club and am horny
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
