I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
