1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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