I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
