Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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