I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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