they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Pants are for mortals
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
