how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
