i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Operation Purity has been aborted
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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