Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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