How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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