I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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