It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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