mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
