I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
PS: I just woke up from my shower
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize