his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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