she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
