it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
