i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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