normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
