Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
