i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
