Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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