Are we in a gay sports bar?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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