i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
