Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
