I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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