remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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