i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
