I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
