she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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