the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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