you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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