Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
