meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
