Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
