i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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