does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
