My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have aggressive nipples.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
