my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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