At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
